What are your thoughts on how to parent in the age of attention economy?
Last weekend’s 24h-digital detox event organised by CyberSafeKids gave me space and time to process deeply what I am often thinking and don’t always have the courage to say.
30 minutes into putting:
🟠 smartphones
🟠 iPods
🟠 personal computers
🟠 remote controls
🟠 playstation controllers
🟠 digital meditation timer
… into a box, my trust into life without my phone was tested.
We were on our way to the swimming pool when we decided to stop at a nearby sports shop.
I parked the car 5 minutes walking distance away and had no visibility of it nor its entrance door.
This is the moment where my 11-year-old son asks me if he could go by himself?
Initially, I thought: sure we have done something similar before.
However, this time I had no way to be reached in case something unexpected happened.
From when our children were very young we taught them to learn our phone numbers by heart.
Their guidance was look for a mother with children and have her call our number, should we ever be separated in a crowd, busy shopping area, sports event etc.
Having to make a brave parenting decision, Jonathan Haidt’s words were ringing in my ear.
“ We have overprotected our children in the real world and we have under-protected them online. ”
We have a parental need to keep our children safe and yet for our children to develop a feeling of capability and confidence in themselves - we need to allow them to be alone.
Mastering the first hurdle and needing to wait to cross a busy road, my son saw a zebra crossing 50 meters away and decided to take a detour and yet cross over safely.
Before he took off, I said:
“ I know you can do this by yourself and how long do you think it will take you? “
He calculated all parts of the journey and said he will be back in 10 minutes.
I said: “As a plan B - if it took more than 20 minutes I would slowly start walking towards the shop.”
He dashed away.
I leaned back into my seat with my daughter reading her book next to me and thought:
“ All I need to do now is look at the Autumn coloured trees in the distance and enjoy their beauty. “
6 minutes later, the back door opened with an out of breath boy sitting in and being super proud that it had taken him so little time despite having to search for the till “for ages”.
I felt relieved, proud and a sense of achievement.
What I could never have planned for and probably would never have considered saying ‘Yes’ to turned out to be such a worthwhile surprise.
Over the 24 hours that followed we:
🌱 played a board game
🌱 chilled out together on the couch and had a chat
🌱 had individual withdrawal symptoms at different moments
🌱 attended a couple of sport events
🌱 shared a meal together
🌱 spent time apart
🌱 and lived a calmer life.
The impression of a calmer life might only have applied to me 🤣 and this has been my main discovery since last Friday.
Considering all thoughts on the topic including:
What if I am getting it all wrong?
What if our children’s generation are bringing in something new?
What if their brain’s capacity was simply better able to handle this fast-moving world compared to their parents?
My main concern is my children coming to me in their 20’s with a fully formed brain then able to self-regulate, seeing the world through an adult’s lens and saying to me:
“How could you …?”
Parenting is all about trial and error.
We wish there was this magic authority outside ourselves who could reassure us about the right way to be and what to do.
Just give us certainty.
Whenever parenting gets really tough, I am reminded the calmer and clearer my life is, the better decisions I make.
My mentor shared this Alfred Adler quote with me this week:
“Courage is not an ability one either possesses or lacks.
Courage is the willingness to engage in a risk-taking behaviour regardless of whether the consequences are unknown or possibly adverse.
We are capable of courageous behaviour provided we are willing to engage in it.”
You may have seen me share his wisdom before and I needed its reminder especially this week.
So will my children ever join me on a digital detox again?
I am not sure.
The clarity I did gain was that it all comes back to the parent’s state of well-being and the more confident we are in our own ability, the more our children will follow our lead.
In the face of children’s uncertain future, we can either throw in the towel and leave it up to others to bring in regulations or we can take one small action ourselves.
My first step this week was to delete all Smartphone Apps I have not used over the last 2 weeks to calm my mental load.
Please share with me privately email to: effortlessparenting@gmail.com how your courage was favourable and you were surprised by the outcome.
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