When I joined Freya India’s Phone Free Friday challenge earlier this Summer, I was very enthusiastic and said to myself: How hard can it be?
I set my screen time lock to restrict my smartphone use and contemplated the purchase of a more basic product (without internet access) for my birthday.
I was shocked how my own mind tried to trick me → only 1 hour into the challenge on Friday, the 14th June.
A voice suggested: Just use the desktop instead 🫢.
So I extended the limit to no screens after work.
Jonathan Haidt’s book “The anxious generation” kept me company over the first month.
What this social psychologist from New York University is describing in chapter 1, is the impact the “arrival of the phone-based childhood” has had on our adolescents’.
Since the early 2010’s, there has been :
🟠 A decline in mental health
🟠 Over 100% increase in anxiety & depression
🟠 Rise in self-harm & suicide.
I am not going to lie: to read about “The Surge of Suffering” was extremely hard.
The more weeks passed, the more parents I spoke with - the clearer it became that the solution would need to come from parents, teachers and children/teenagers together 🌍.
Co-creating a subcommittee on behalf of the parents association in our local secondary school, turned out to be a success.
We met monthly over the Summer and listened to each other’s experiences.
We no longer felt trapped and powerless as a parent community.
The aim was not to punish or ban our children from being on smartphones.
Instead we are looking for ways to assist this next generation to:
🌱 develop healthy relationships
🌱 practise self-control
🌱 allow a balance of virtual world consumption and creative real world endeavours.
Haidt who has been working with students for decades, observed that Generation Z “don't want caregivers to take the phone out of their hands, they want the phone out of everyone’s hands.”
With this statement, our children and teens are letting us know that unlimited access to the digital world - does not bring them happiness.
What was an eye-opener for me was the dopamine reset that I experienced every Friday over the last 3 months.
When the shut-down time approached, the withdrawal symptoms kicked in and a backdoor tried to be found.
Anna Lembke, an addiction researcher from Stanford University and author of “Dopamine Nation” says:
“It is only after we take a break from our drug of choice, that we are able to see the true impact of our consumption on our lives and the people around us.”
What this professor of psychiatry and behavioural sciences means by drug:
1. The thing that once you start, you have trouble stopping
2. or makes you feel good in the moment, but worse afterwards.
What I am learning is that dopamine is not the bad guy.
It serves as the motivation and pleasure molecule in our body.
Without it, we may never want to eat.
The secret to befriend the dopamine's power seems to be: to give it permission to take a break so it can reset.
To avoid a dopamine trough (associated with pain): a shift from taking in to allowing out is a cure that started to be effective for me.
Why is it necessary for the parent to role model self-awareness?
The ability to self-regulate is a process that takes time and the part of the brain where it is being honed and at home: is not fully developed until 25 years of age.
For our teenagers, we know that the brain is almost in a re-reconstruction phase so that one day they are brave enough to seek novelty in this world.
If you are still with me as I know that this is a very controversial topic, I would like to thank you and share my story of hope.
When becoming a mum, I closely listened to the parent generation that came before ours whose common theme was this:
“I wish I could start all over again with the experience I have right now.”
or
“You are so lucky, we simply didn’t have the information you have right now.”
Our generation may have access.
However, with that comes a lot of overwhelm and sometimes an inability to choose one simple step.
Knowing what should be done, leaves some of my clients filled with even more guilt.
When it comes to smartphones and devices, it is never too late to set a limit.
We may need to rethink the term “parental control”.
The same month I considered life without a smartphone, an epiphany found me while out with my children in the park.
The ideas are guaranteed to come from collaboration with those whose future may be:
💭 lived as a victim in attention economy or
💭 striving for a balanced life and enjoying social and emotional skills on and off screens.
Even though we often look for answers and inspiration outside ourselves, I now hold an unwavering certainty that each human being's ultimate contribution is found within.
My ability as a parent educator is to offer mothers, fathers and care-givers a skill set to draw forth what their child’s happy place is.
Allowing a young person screen-free and adult control-free self-expression time is a gift a parent can pass on to their future adult.
So what was my birthday present this week?
Wanting lots of opportunity to:
💫 practise the courage to accept my imperfections
💫 continuing to making parenting mistakes and
💫 learning that my capacity and capability as a mother grows ...
I am not quite ready to give up the joys my smartphone brings just yet.
One of my life’s themes is to not live on one extreme side of the scale but to find that sweet spot in the golden middle - right between pleasure and pain.
Anna Lembke’s fascinating insights will shed more light on how and I would love to hear from you.
Please send me an email to effortlessparenting@gmail.com if you are thinking of or have embarked on a digital detox.
(Confirming humanity: written by annett)
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